Sam and I are so romantic. Seriously, you would be so jealous if you even knew. I was perusing through some of Leah's newborn pictures, of course getting all smitten and baby-drunk, when I was suddenly overcome with the need for another. Even amidst all of the miscarriage hoopla, and regardless of our intent to wait until getting some tests done, I was crazy for it. The whole "baby hungry" phenomenon, I've concluded, is purely Heavenly Father's way of getting us to keep reproducing. Show the heffers a little, crumply faced, bundle of joy and it's like sprinkling us with memory dust. Suddenly the 9-month-really-closer-to-10-month-stretchmarky-pukey-pantpeeing-flabbygut-insomnia inducing-exhaustion-causing coma "wasn't that bad."
Anyway, back to us being disgustingly romantic. In my newborn stupor, I looked up at Sam, and in a tone that came out way witchier and demanding than intended, threw my hands up in the air and shouted, "SAM! You've gotta freaking get me pregnant!" He responded without looking up from his book, cool as a cat, "I'll get you pregnant as soon as you get the laundry done." Then he started giggling and scrambling away from my swiping like a little kid who just told his mom to "shut up." At least that's what happened the ONE (10) time(s) I told my mom to shut up when I was little. For some reason I keep envisioning Ursula crawling across a ship deck after Price Eric and Ariel. Weird.
Anyway, I got the laundry done.
AND...
DING DING DING! This one's sticking, people! And we're thrilled! Thrilled! THRILLED!
Ohhh! The thought of a little Meatball Sub joining our family makes me laugh and cry and shout around all together at the same time. And that's exactly what I'm doing right now as I type....
HOWEVER!!
(cue lightning strike and blood curdling scream).
There is a dark side to this tale....
A side that brings with it great waves of anxiety. Because, what you don't know, is something horrifying is waiting just around the corner. Something very disturbing to all who have witnessed it. Something I've gone to great lengths to keep hidden from the world....
Meet me (Dec. 2009) and my bloated, pregnant twin, Frieda (May 2008):
(Cue blood curdling scream #2)
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...............
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................
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Here, have another look:
She's swollen.
She's hairier than is socially acceptable for a woman.
She's inexplicably irresistible to my dear, sweet husband. Who should be considered for sainthood for that reason, and that reason alone.
She has spindly, nappy, unmanageable hair...
...and teeny, weeny, beady eyes that peer out menacingly from a vast, beet-red canvas.
She's easily offended.
She's lazy.
And she's violent.
The "Frieda-Effect" begins at about 6 months pregnant and lasts until just about 7 months postpartum. I really love it.
You're the only person in the whole wide world who truly understands me, Princess Fiona.
Curse you, water retention!!! (Shaking fist at the sky while still laughing and crying and shouting around and typing).
She's coming, my friends. She's coming.
*******
BUUUUUT! So is she (or he)! And she (or he) LOVES Frieda. So step off.
P.S. Should any of you feel compelled to tell me Frieda isn't that bad, I shall consider you an insincere friend. So put away your trytomakeVanessafeelbetter compulsions, lest my opinion of you be tarnished forever.
We're pregnant! Hooray!
23 comments:
Congratulations!!!!!! Congratulations 100 million times! I am so excited for you two, actually three. I couldn't help but think of you when I saw Mera's newborn wondering if you were doing okay. Not that you wouldn't be immensely happy for her but you have to admit there is a 90/10 or 80/20 emotion going on there. Like 80-90% super happy for them and like 10-20% "it should have been me" type jealousy going on. Okay, maybe its just me?? Lets just say when Zane and Micah arrived I was trying to convince Q to sign up for adoption, invitro, get a 2nd vasectomy reversal since the first didn't work, foster care.... anything to get me one of those little bundles :)
So awesome baby girl!! Now there will be two adorable Palmer Bubs running around.
Oh and PS- my pregnancy pics are WAAAAYYYY worse!!
Ummm, okay so you have been hyping this up a bit too much. I expected not to recognize you from your graphic description. I think you look just like any post pregnancy picture.
For some dang reason it is like we get run over by a dumpster truck and we are just happy it is over. The water retention and swelling from all the labor and pushing is bound to make us swell like a balloon.
So don't you dare say that I am an insincere friend! Most of us just aren't bold enough to post pictures that took place post delivery. :) I don't have enough confidence to share any such pictures.
P.S. Your nose doesn't look huge like you've been saying. You just look puffy from delivering a baby.
Clarification: the picture of Frieda is PRE-delivery! My post-delivery pictures are akin to jabba the hut and I'm not secure enough to post those. I look like Frieda starting at 6 months pregnant. A real shame...
Congratulations!!! I am so excited for you guys! And so excited for Carson to have another cousin, he gets jipped on my side of the family lol.
I blow up during my pregnancies too, it sucks! I look at girls, like Meradith, that stay slim and just have the belly... How would it be?! But it is sure worth it :)
You look beautiful! Congratulations!
Yay Vanessa!! I am so happy for you and your little family! Do you know how far along you are??
Your post was SO funny!
Congrats!
Frieda or no Frieda, I'm so excited for a little Palmer baby! The world can never have enough squishy, lovely Leah-look-alikes.
Congrats! I'm thrilled for you!
Frieda actually makes me like you better. It feels like the universe compensating for those of us around you who have to stare at your ridiculously, above average, movie-star like beauty all the time but are unable to hate you because you are too dang sweet and smart and hilarious. And the fact that you posted the pictures of Frieda just makes Vanessa that much more likeable and awesome. You see, so, we women need Frieda because she helps maintain balance in the universe. It helps me feel like I can still exist in your gorgeous presence. ;)
Congratulations!
Congrats, congrats! Wait...let me clarify, congrats after you have this baby because I have to say, in my current state I have nothing but pity for any pregnant woman and trying to suppress an evil laugh because I am finally NOT pregnant anymore. Is that insensitive? I know I am so blessed to be able to birth children, but any woman who is at the end of her pregnancy understands my feelings. But for now, I will say I am super happy for you guys! You make very cute chubby subs.
Congrats on your pregnancy!
PS// You are hilarious.
PPS// Who am I, you ask? I am married to Justin of WC2 home teaching fame and saw your blog linked from some other ward-er.
Congrats Vanessa! That is so exciting and I'm really happy for you guys. I'm not gonna lie -- you look nearly as bad as I do post-partum. Nearly. I'll bring photographic proof to your parents' house mmkay?
But guess what? I sort of love that you look like that because it makes it easier to not hate your guts for how hot you are in non-Freida times:)
Hooray for a meatball sub!
Oh freak, that was Nicole, not Boone. So is this. Sorry.
Oh Frieda Frieda Frieda.... Frieda...Frieda... FriedaFriedaFrieda!! I LUB YOU! Sometimes I wish you were around all the time Frieda, so I could justify giving that blood curdling scream every time I laid eyes on you. Because I just blood-curdle screamed while reading this post, exactly where I was cued to do so, and I enjoyed it... A LOT! As did the members of my household.
Nessa! I love our convos about Frieda. I don't know what's worse, having the Frieda come before or after labor and delivery. My Frieda, named Astrid, comes on directly following, and it's quite shocking and discturbing. But at least if she came on before it wouldn't be such a shock, and I'd have a minute to get used to her before the baby came. You and Frieda became quite good friends before you had to adjust to the newbie in your arms, the chapped up and throbbing nipples, and the poor uterus trying to kick itself back into normal shape and kicking your A at the same time. Oh and I forgot to tell you that Astrid has chameleon eyes. You know, darting out every which way in separate directions. And as I told you, my mother-in-law scarcely recognized me the day after. "Boy, you sure look different don't you?" So maybe it would be better if she came to visit a little before.
I'm so happy for you and Sam and Frieda and Leah, Nessa! And so overjoyed for this little muchkin who will be joining the family.
Herme is so lucky to have you as a mom. (Herme= hermaphrodite because we don't know the gender yet. haha.)
I'll sign off now with this little poem I just wrote for you and Frieda...
You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down
Don't you bring me down today...
What exciting news! You make me laugh. I love it.
I'm too afraid to say anything on this subject, but I want credit for a comment so you will continue to comment on my posts. This is a subject that I shall never venture into.
In other news, my word verification for this comment is "cisticup". I feel like this means something...
WOO HOO! I wish my husband would let me reproduce. Anyway, you forgot to tell us when you're due. Also, you forgot to tell me that your sister is a gifted poet.
Im so excited for you!!!
And rather than tell you that its not that bad - erm... it is that bad! I LOATHE being pregnant! And fact is, I don't even like my babies until they are about 6 months old. That said, #2 is nothing compared to #3. I'd say #3 is probably the worst pregnancy ever- just for the sake of being huge at like 8 weeks (Yeah, Frieda appears that early - scary right?), exhausted from having to chase two others around, and wondering why on earth you ever thought having another was even an idea worth thinking about.
So, second time being pregnant is not that bad, at least in comparison to what the future may hold with subsequent pregnancies. I'm currently avoiding showing the world my evil twin, Schnelga, as it seems she's decided to show up very early on and refuses to do anything less than a complete take over.
You have made my whole day! I know EXACTLY how you feel! except... you were brave enough to put the pictures up. I am not yet... or probably ever. :) It is so worth the water weight! WAHOO Congrats!
No worries, I won't try to make you feel better. I was beautiful and sexy throughout my entire pregnancy, especially right after 2 days of not-labor and almost 3 hours of pushing. Gorgeous I tell you!
And I'm starting to think I inadvertently did something to Kent. Any time a woman brings up pregnancy and her body image he steps down and claims, "I'm not falling for that one" or "I know there's no right answer to that question." It's strange behavior from the same man who, when meeting one of my friends for the first time, pointed out, "Yes, I can see that you need to get your roots done."
Nice.
I'm an idiot...CONGRATULATIONS!
I'm excited for you to post more details because if I only had to rely on the information Kent gets from Sam, I'd never know anything!
Congratulations! We are so happy for you guys!
I must say, don't assume Frieda will be visiting again. I was my most rotund and moon-facey with Jacob. By far. My nose just kept on going. But Nicholas and this little rumpkin didn't induce quite the same effect. I mean, sure I'm retaining water. And sure my nose and face are fuller. But not like with Jacob. (Shudder.) Not like with Jacob.
That being said, even if you look like Frieda again at least you know - YOU KNOW - That you don't stay looking like her. (Not that there's anything wrong with that...) But you are truly beautiful in every way. Even with your Frieda on.
Oh, I'm just happy for your new baby! I hope you feel better!
Oh hooray hooray! Cept for that whole pregnancy part, cause frankly, there aren't many things I HATE more than being pregnant. But that baby sure makes up for it in the end!
So happy for you guys!
And laughed my head off (because, oh the pain... I feel your pain)
Also, I have told you before (and your dad at least on one occasion) that Leah was easily the prettiest newborn I've ever seen. EVER.
Hooray! I'm so happy that another Palmer is coming our way! I've been hoping things would work out soon for you.
And as for the Frieda effect? Well, I'll just say that I've never really named her, but she's here in the flesh (and there's a lot of it) and she's moody and crabby and fat. It doesn't help that Maggie is such an articulate 2 year old and says to me often "Ooooh Mommy, you have a BIIIG butt!" I'm hoping never to see my Frieda again after a few months more of this pregnancy and postpartum flab. If I have to be "Frieda" to get my little bundles, so be it. But I won't mourn her final departure, that's for sure!
I wish my Frieda looked as good as yours!
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