I always get SO annoyed when people say they don't have any regrets. I feel like every single celebrity makes a point to say this in every single interview, and I think it's so egotistical and amoral that I feel literal rage when I hear it. I once heard Lindsay Lohan utter these words and I nearly hit the roof. Oh really, Lindsay? You don't regret that one time, wait wait, five times you drove drunk and nearly killed someone? Or those drug binges that nearly killed you? Really?
The sad thing is, people who say it think that they sound all balanced and good self-esteemy. And often follow it up with things like, "everything I've done has made me who I am, and I like who I am." (Equally preposterous!) But regardless. To me, if the words, "Yeah, I really just don't have any regrets," ever come out of your mouth, you sound like a shallow, prideful idiot.
Now don't you worry. This isn't some passive aggressive shout out to any of you. I'm talking about other people. And celebrities. I know you were sweating bullets just now.
On that note, I have lots of regrets. In fact, sometimes I lay in bed at night playing certain things I've done in my life over and over in my head until the pit in my stomach grows so large and daunting I force myself to fall asleep for fear of falling into it. I'm not obsessive about it, and don't get spooked everyone, I haven't committed any (serious) crimes or anything like that. But sometimes I get into a bit of a regret funk. Now I will share some of them with you to make myself feel better and ask for your forgiveness.
I regret not finishing my degree. Not that I can't finish it now, but it's so much harder and less fun than it would have been on campus. And not that I really had the option to finish on campus... what with getting married and moving to San Francisco and everything. But, you know what I mean.
I regret cheating on a science test in 7th grade. Our teacher, Mr. Storms, always had us pass our test to a neighbor to grade and two of my girlfriends and I traded tests one time and gave each other full credit, even if our answers were wrong. I remember thinking we were so clever and giggling about it together. The worst part about it was that Mr. Storms and I had a great relationship. He knew all of my older brothers and sisters and I knew I was one of his favorites. And then he caught us. And he was livid and especially disappointed in me. I can still picture his face to this day.
I regret that one of the last conversations I had with my brother before he died was telling him that he was acting intolerable and that he was going to get fired if he showed up to work acting the way he was. He was on a combination of medications that caused him to act slightly sedated and, on this particular occasion, pretty obnoxious. I was trying to "set him straight" in order to protect and help him, but it was COMPLETELY against my nature and I know he was surprised and hurt by my words. He just kept saying, "Ok, thanks sissy. I'm sorry, sissy." As if he owed me something. I regretted that conversation even as the words rolled off my tongue.
I regret not enjoying high school more. I played the part, and was very involved, but really just wanted to be out of there. This regret includes the petty and catty things I participated in, and the people I hurt along the way. Sometimes I marvel that more of our nation's prison system isn't populated with high school-aged girls. I really feel that this insecure and hormonal age makes for some completely psychotic behavior. And I was not immune. Unfortunately, gossip and slander aren't crimes.
One of the more personal regrets I have is marrying Sam. Just kidding. I just had to make you all pee your pants and get all uncomf and feel embarrassed for me if I really had said something like that in this post. For the record, I 100% DO NOT regret marrying Sam. I yuv him a whole bunch. But I DO regret the actions of those who put things like that on their facebook statuses and stuff. Maybe I'm bringing it up because I might have taken a quick facebook break from writing this post and maybe just read an update that said, "I'm tired of men always treating me like (expletive)!! I'm losin' weight for me and me ONLY!!" And maybe the person who said it is married. And maybe we should all share a moment of silence for her. Just in case she's real. And we're embarrassed.
One thing I DON'T regret is THIS tasty morsel. Enlarge it. You won't regret it.
And now that I've confessed a few of the regrets that have been taunting me on this particular episode of, "Regret Funk: Feel Bad About Yourself in a Flash!" I feel a little better. Luckily I can say without hesitation that the regrets I do have are far outnumbered by my self-pats-on-the-back. And so, with that thought, I will make an end to my writings. As always, thanks for reading.
7 comments:
Wish I could be someone to say that I have no regrets. Unfortunately, I too lay in bed at night and think of all the regrets I've had just in that day alone. It is too overwhelming so I generally try to just block them out.
I'm sorry for your regrets! Don't be too hard on yourself though. We've all been through it!
I so wish I could relate to this post. But I just can't. I just wouldn't be the amazing person I am today without all the awful things I've done to people, especially that time when I was 20 and I spent that time in the slammer for attacking that elderly woman.
Ok, let's get serious about confessions. Upon reading this post I considered writing a "regrets" post me-self. But then became immediately depressed thinking of how long it would be and how on earth I would narrow it down. Like the fact that I boldface lied to every single boyfriend I ever had (except for my husband- I guess that's one of the ways I knew he was the one) so I could have lots of boyfriends all at the same time, and I never thought it was wrong because I just wanted to be young and free. I've actually considered writing a letter to every boyfriend I ever had and apologizing but then thought I would come across weird, and the married ones' wives would get all weirded out.
Or the time that I got in an all out yelling match with one of my best girlfriends in high school in front of a boy who liked me (and I liked him), he happened to be super super clean cut and sweet and there was lots of white trash profanity involved. Never saw him again and to this day I hope I never do.
Or the time as an adult that I pinched my little sisters hand so hard that it made her cry and then it made me cry because I felt so bad and we had to go to the bathroom to cry/hug it out. Pinching!? What grown-up pinches?? I'm sowy Nessa.
Or the time I accidentally killed the neighbors dog and didn't know what to do with the evidence so I roasted it over an open flame and ate it.
hahaha. JK about that last one. I know you knew it was a JK, but maybe other readers of this comment didn't!
All that stuff makes me cringe. Guess it's "part of growing up". But it still makes me cringe, really bad.
One more thing. I got permission to share this, but one time during Jason's freshman year he was talking with 2 cute girls and somehow made a comment about how he bet childbirth isn't even that painful and eluded to the fact that women overdramatize it. One of them called him a swear word and then it was always awkward after that. (lucky for me it didn't work out). He said when she called him what she did, it dawned on him that what she said was true. And that he WAS indeed what she said she said he was.
hahaha. We all have them. Just one of those things he'll never forget. I throw it in his face every opportunity I can, along with his other regrets. haha JK.
I know this was totally spurred from our talk at LPF! I think the one thing that should make you feel better, is that for every traumatizing thing you did to someone else, they unleashed the same kind of victimization on another poor soul at one time or another. I think it's a kind of pay it forward, but in a sinister selfish way. It's the collateral damage of teenhood. Whether it's your deceitful, calculating sister who collected boys as if they were mardi gras beads tossed frivolously to the crowd (and I actually hope to meet her one day and become super good friends) or Jordan Davis who cheated on me because he could get a little more action with someone else, it's all just collateral damage. Let it go. As you can tell, I have. Oh, and by the way, it took me about 8 years to get my diploma, but I did it and you can too.
My biggest regret was in 7th grade when I got roller blades for my birthday, but they weren't the "cool" brand so I ditched them in some bushes, never to be found again. My parents went to great lengths to get me what they thought I would really enjoy, and they weren't cool enough for me. I still feel very ashamed to think that I would rather have no roller blades than the cheaper brand of roller blades, which I'm sure were perfectly fine and probably still costed 40 bucks.
I was pretty mean in my early high school days...I won't go into detail, but definitely something I regret now.
And THANK YOU for calling LiLo out! She is crazy and should regret 95% of what she does, however, she's obviously learned to just recite what her publicist tells her...I wish I had a publicist to help me put a positive spin on all the idiotic things I do.
And Facebook...so many people should be so ashamed by the things they put on there. My dad is on facebook (which is funny in itself) and he asked me how he could stop being friends with my sister-in-law because he "didn't need to know everytime she went to the bathroom." My dad is a funny guy.
Oh, you better believe I enlarged that photo...and no, not even a morsel of a regret here for it.
Post a Comment