Fasten your seatbelts ladies and gents, it's gonna be a bumpy ride...

This is gonna be one of those posts. You know the ones you write late at night and aren't sure if you're actually going to publish? And you wait to reread the next morning and realize you sound completely crazy. Or unstable. Or judgmental. Or whatever. At least more so than you care to let people know about? And then you're completely relieved that you had the soundness of mind to keep yourself from pressing "publish" the night before whilst in the midst of your (in this case) emotional purging? Do you know what I'm talking about? Well, this is gonna be one of those...

I'm feeling sad tonight. I don't know what happened. I was laying upstairs putting Leah to bed and it's like I suddenly became keenly aware, for the first time, of what has happened over the last couple of weeks.

I've been congratulating myself for how strong I've been through all of this... how amazingly well I've been handling it all, and I've been so thankful for feelings of peace and hope for the future. But tonight it feels like all of that has just been some subliminal protection... like my brain built a fortress around my heart, keeping reality at bay until my heart had time to ready the troops. But I don't feel like my troops are ready.

I guess I don't really have anything else to say about it. Just that I'm sad. And I miss Jesse. And I wish I knew what he was thinking and feeling right now. I kiiinda think he may be a smidge happy I'm feeling sad tonight, cause I'm pretty sure he hasn't felt like I've been giving him quite enough attention. And even though he has much more important things to think about, I secretly hope he does feel that way. Because it makes me feel good to think that maybe he's thinking about me.

Maybe I'll try to cheer myself up by telling you about my weekend with Sam in Salt Lake with no Turkey Sub. It was magical. And I even have some pictures to share.

Don't hate me for the abrupt change of subject. Sometimes I like to pack as much as I possibly can into one blog post in the spazziest way possible. And I really do think it will lift my spirits. So here I go.

Sam left Idaho immediately following Jesse's funeral and flew back to Chicago to take his finals. After that, he flew to Boston for 3 days to make the rounds at a few companies of interest, and then on to LA to do the same. The whole time I was in Idaho Falls with my parents and Leah, missing my husband somethin' fierce! SOOO, I planned a little weekend getaway for his arrival.

We left Leah for the night with Mera and Jason. Officially the first time I've left her overnight with anyone. I spent the night clutching a pillow and crying out her name. False. It was a little bit more like skipping through the streets, head thrown back in maniacal laughter, shouting, "I'm Free! I'm FREEEEEEE!!!"

We drove up to SLC, but not without first giving a crazy a ride to the Provo library. You'd think all of our time in San Fran would have hardened us to the hobo variety. But no. We are super loving and compassionate. And she said, "pretty please."

We officially started out our weekend together by renting "Star Trek" in our hotel room. We still had a couple of hours until anything we had planned started and there's nothing more relaxing and lazy than watching a movie mid day. It was glorious.

We ventured off to temple square once it got dark and elbowed our way through the crowds

(good grief) to try to get a few pictures. I was quite dismayed with how grumpy everyone was about taking pictures... so most of ours ended up being self-portraits like these:

This little gem was tickling the ivories in the JSB all night.

After about 15 minutes of being annoyed with the people at temple square, we made our way to the Melting Pot for a little fondue extravaganza. So excellent. And we closed the place down, what about bob-ing after each bite.

When we walked back to our hotel there was, as with any nice hotel on a Saturday night in SLC, a bride and groom arriving. We ended up in the elevator with them and Sam generously offered a few pointers for the wedding night. He's so thoughtful. And they really appreciated it....

Just kidding. In all actuality there were crickets chirping the entire elevator ride... especially since the only luggage they had with them was a huge basket full of whip cream...and cheese whiz.

The next morning we headed over to the Grand America for their legendary brunch. Seriously, I've never seen so much food in my life. I highly recommend it if you're feeling a little fancy and a lotta hungry.

Sadly, this is the only picture I took:

There was simply too much gluttony going on to be bothered with picture taking. And I think we must have each had about 10 plates.

After brunch we drove home to the loving arms of our little Turkey Sub. It was a much needed break, and an even much-er needed diversion. So thanks for reading about it.

Yes, I'm feeling better already.

Just a little something....

Because of my desperate need to send my last two posts further down the screen, and because I have nothing new of note to blog about, I'd like to share with you a little "Sam and Vanessa are meant to be" moment that should have been documented long ago. Now, I wouldn't necessarily say this story shines a flattering light on my dear, sweet husband... but he's in Boston right now, dutifully snoozing away. And I'm wide awake in Utah, all alone, and feeling feisty. So here we go.

Sam and I were about to be engaged when we had this sweet conversation:

Me: Baby, if I were an animal, what kind of animal would I be?

Sam: Hmmmm... I'm not sure, what do you think I'd be?

Me (thinking hard about what would most effectively stroke his ego, while still being realistic): Hmmm... you'd probably be a fox. Because you're really smart, and resourceful. And handsome! So you'd definitely be a fox. Or wait, a wolf.. cause they're still clever like a fox but more majestic and serious and powerful.... and dangerous (insert eyebrow shimmy).

Sam (clearly pleased): Really? Hmm...

Me: Yep... so, what would I be?

Brace yourselves. The following response has not been falsified or exaggerated in any way.

Sam (thinking to himself): Hmmmm... I think you'd probably be... a walrus.

..........................

..........................

A WALRUS.

That's right. Savor it. Just let it sink right in.

You'd think this response would have been immediately followed by an upheaval of laughter on his part and a swift charlie horse delivery on mine. But it wasn't. Instead, Sam just stared at me with the sincerity of an all too-honest child. And said nothing.

His only defense, to this day, is, "what? they're cute. and they make people laugh."

Yes, Sam. That's nice.

Seems about right....

A Child at Home

I’ve been dreading even trying to put any of this into words. Mostly because I’m exhausted… in every way one can be exhausted. And I’ve been avoiding revisiting the emotions that writing about Jesse’s passing brings to light. I’ve been at peace, and a little numb, since the funeral. And I’ve needed some time to let my sore forehead muscles heal. Who knew your whole forehead feels like it’s bruised when you’ve been crying really, really hard for a long time? I’ve never really had to consider my forehead muscles before. They’re out of shape.

I’ve been staying in Jesse’s room since I’ve been here, snuggling up in his sheets and looking through his things. Today we went through all of his clothes and right now I’m wearing the t-shirt that still smells strongest of him. My mom suggested throwing everything in the wash before we separated it out, and I nearly lost it. I feel panicky at the thought of this smell fading away.

I’ve been in an alternate universe this past week, daydreaming of my life in Chicago… the life I knew before this new one, where I no longer have my big brother. My other life feels like a dream. And it doesn’t help that Sam is there now, taking his finals. I’ve been quite put out by everyone else going about things normally, while life for my family has seemed to come to such an abrupt halt. But this week has been full of tender mercies, and more than anything, I feel overwhelmingly grateful to my Heavenly Father.

Jesse’s funeral was beautiful. I cannot think of those who attended without becoming very emotional. There are no words to convey my gratitude to those of you who have reached out. In all honesty, I have been sitting here for the last 15 minutes trying to think of something I could say to do my feelings justice, and everything I think of seems completely futile. You have been a comfort and an anchor, and your compassion and service has sustained us.

My sisters and I were honored to sing for Jesse on Saturday and these are the lyrics to the song our family chose:

My Shepherd will supply my need
Jehovah is His name.
In pastures fresh He makes me feed
Beside the living stream.

He brings my wand’ring spirit back,
When I forsake His ways.
And leads me for His mercy’s sake
In paths of truth and grace.

When I walk through the shades of death
Thy presence is my stay.
One word of Thy supporting breath
Drives all my fears away.

Thy hand in sight of all my foes,
Doth still my table spread.
My cup with blessings overflows,
Thine oil anoints my head.

The sure provisions of my God
Attend me all my days.
O may Thy house be my abode,
And all my work be praise.

There would I find a settled rest,
While others go and come.
No more a stranger nor a guest,
But like a child at home.

Nothing brings me more comfort than thinking of Jesse in the arms of the Savior, no more a stranger nor a guest, but like a child at home.

I cannot express the gratitude I feel for my Father in Heaven, who, if we but look to Him, lovingly allows us to find hope and joy through our darkest hours. I’ve never felt so close to my family, and I’ve never felt closer to Him. Our eternal bonds have been tangible this week. How indebted I am to Him for allowing me to be born to my family. How thankful I am to Him for guiding me to Sam and entrusting us with our beautiful little Turkey Sub. How grateful I am for Jesse, and for the time I was given with him here on earth. I know he will be waiting for me, eager to teach me all that he has learned. I miss you, big brother. My heart aches every time I think of your sweet face. I am counting down the days until I get to be with you again, to know you, freed from earthly afflictions, as the man you were meant to be.

My Biggest Brother

I'm not really in a place where I can write about this yet. Until I get there:

His obituary from woodfuneralhome.com

JESSE COLLARD

PROVO, UT -- Jesse Curtis Collard, 32, formerly of Idaho Falls, passed away December 1, 2009, at his sister’s home in Provo, Utah.
Jesse was born June 15, 1977 in Idaho Falls, Idaho, to Curtis Alan Collard and Nancy Lee Hatch Collard. He graduated from Idaho Falls High School in 1995, where he participated in football, baseball and wrestling.

He resided in Idaho Falls; Chandler, Arizona; and Provo, Utah. Jesse owned his own commercial flooring company and worked throughout the United States.
He was a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He loved his motorcycle, mountain biking, hiking, traveling and playing the piano.

Survivors include:
Son: Carson Jesse Angell, Sandy, UT
Parents: Nancy & Curtis Collard
Brother: Abram (Tiffany) Collard, Erie, PA
Sister: Bethany (Walid) Kaakoush, Maricopa, AZ
Sister: Meradith (Jason) Christensen, Provo, UT
Sister: Vanessa (Sam) Palmer, Chicago, IL
He was preceded in death by his grandparents; and his uncle, C.C. Randall.

Funeral Services will be held at 2 p.m., Saturday, December 5, 2009, at the Ammon Foothill Stake Center, 3934 East 49th South, with Bishop Craig Tibbetts of the Ammon LDS 24th Ward officiating. The family will visit with friends on Saturday from 1-1:45 p.m. prior to the services at the church. Burial will be in the Rose Hill Cemetery.

I love you so much, J.