Fasten your seatbelts ladies and gents, it's gonna be a bumpy ride...

This is gonna be one of those posts. You know the ones you write late at night and aren't sure if you're actually going to publish? And you wait to reread the next morning and realize you sound completely crazy. Or unstable. Or judgmental. Or whatever. At least more so than you care to let people know about? And then you're completely relieved that you had the soundness of mind to keep yourself from pressing "publish" the night before whilst in the midst of your (in this case) emotional purging? Do you know what I'm talking about? Well, this is gonna be one of those...

I'm feeling sad tonight. I don't know what happened. I was laying upstairs putting Leah to bed and it's like I suddenly became keenly aware, for the first time, of what has happened over the last couple of weeks.

I've been congratulating myself for how strong I've been through all of this... how amazingly well I've been handling it all, and I've been so thankful for feelings of peace and hope for the future. But tonight it feels like all of that has just been some subliminal protection... like my brain built a fortress around my heart, keeping reality at bay until my heart had time to ready the troops. But I don't feel like my troops are ready.

I guess I don't really have anything else to say about it. Just that I'm sad. And I miss Jesse. And I wish I knew what he was thinking and feeling right now. I kiiinda think he may be a smidge happy I'm feeling sad tonight, cause I'm pretty sure he hasn't felt like I've been giving him quite enough attention. And even though he has much more important things to think about, I secretly hope he does feel that way. Because it makes me feel good to think that maybe he's thinking about me.

Maybe I'll try to cheer myself up by telling you about my weekend with Sam in Salt Lake with no Turkey Sub. It was magical. And I even have some pictures to share.

Don't hate me for the abrupt change of subject. Sometimes I like to pack as much as I possibly can into one blog post in the spazziest way possible. And I really do think it will lift my spirits. So here I go.

Sam left Idaho immediately following Jesse's funeral and flew back to Chicago to take his finals. After that, he flew to Boston for 3 days to make the rounds at a few companies of interest, and then on to LA to do the same. The whole time I was in Idaho Falls with my parents and Leah, missing my husband somethin' fierce! SOOO, I planned a little weekend getaway for his arrival.

We left Leah for the night with Mera and Jason. Officially the first time I've left her overnight with anyone. I spent the night clutching a pillow and crying out her name. False. It was a little bit more like skipping through the streets, head thrown back in maniacal laughter, shouting, "I'm Free! I'm FREEEEEEE!!!"

We drove up to SLC, but not without first giving a crazy a ride to the Provo library. You'd think all of our time in San Fran would have hardened us to the hobo variety. But no. We are super loving and compassionate. And she said, "pretty please."

We officially started out our weekend together by renting "Star Trek" in our hotel room. We still had a couple of hours until anything we had planned started and there's nothing more relaxing and lazy than watching a movie mid day. It was glorious.

We ventured off to temple square once it got dark and elbowed our way through the crowds

(good grief) to try to get a few pictures. I was quite dismayed with how grumpy everyone was about taking pictures... so most of ours ended up being self-portraits like these:

This little gem was tickling the ivories in the JSB all night.

After about 15 minutes of being annoyed with the people at temple square, we made our way to the Melting Pot for a little fondue extravaganza. So excellent. And we closed the place down, what about bob-ing after each bite.

When we walked back to our hotel there was, as with any nice hotel on a Saturday night in SLC, a bride and groom arriving. We ended up in the elevator with them and Sam generously offered a few pointers for the wedding night. He's so thoughtful. And they really appreciated it....

Just kidding. In all actuality there were crickets chirping the entire elevator ride... especially since the only luggage they had with them was a huge basket full of whip cream...and cheese whiz.

The next morning we headed over to the Grand America for their legendary brunch. Seriously, I've never seen so much food in my life. I highly recommend it if you're feeling a little fancy and a lotta hungry.

Sadly, this is the only picture I took:

There was simply too much gluttony going on to be bothered with picture taking. And I think we must have each had about 10 plates.

After brunch we drove home to the loving arms of our little Turkey Sub. It was a much needed break, and an even much-er needed diversion. So thanks for reading about it.

Yes, I'm feeling better already.