Sam-Bam-Thank-You-Mam

"You're so freaking testy and not even cool these days... "

That's what I just said to Sam. After he snapped at me for tickling his ear with one of my hairs while he was checking our stocks or something lame like that. And so, because I am by far the bigger person in our marriage (and by bigger, I just mean fatter... not like, more mature) I decided I would log immediately onto this blog and start Sam's birthday post... this way I figure I'll feel all lovey dovey towards him by the time I'm done writing. My only alternative is to stare at him, bore holes in the side of his head until he finishes, and then pick a fight with him for something he did back when we were dating. So here I am.

I'm the best.

Just look at my wee little laddy... when he was just a baby. He was turning 25 in this picture, and we had been dating for just 3 itty bitty months.

Today, however, Sam is turning 31 years old. And has become quite the man. And so, in honor of the glorious occasion, I will bestow upon you 31 quirky/funny/may make you a wee bit jealous tid bits about my darling husband.

And while this is in no way a comprehensive representation of who Sam is, it is, for whatever reason, the first 31 of many things that came to my mind.

In no particular order...

1. Sam is terrified of any and all medical procedures and will not tolerate me suggesting that he undergo any of them. Including the dentist. Which vexes me greatly as this means he will probably die at age 50.
2. He cuts his own hair, and has done so all of his adult life. This may come as an impressive surprise to many of you. He has great hair. And sexy sideburns.
3. He absolutely refuses to warm up my hands or feet and won't hesitate to resort to violence if I attempt to put them on him against his will. He is unmoved by my proclamations that warming a woman's hands in his own is as much a man's duty as mowing the lawn or taking out the garbage.
4. He is picky about how his skin (and mine) feels. Because of this, he will not shower before bed, stay in water long enough for his fingers to get wrinkly (I've seen him on more than one occasion sitting in a hot tub, holding his hands above the water like a weirdy), apply lotion or chapstick, and he accuses me regularly of having clammy and/or sweaty hands when I clearly do not. This makes him a stingey hand-holder and he will only humor me with hand-holding for 32 seconds at a time, under the most particular of circumstances.
5. He is a surprisingly agile and talented dancer--you know, the guys who dance around to be funny, but actually bust out super complex moves that, if given a little guidance, could lead to greatness? Yeah. That's him. Sorta like Jack Black.
6. Whenever we have people stay at our house, he feels put out for the sole reason that he has to have clothes on while they are here... and feels genuine dread for when our kids get old enough to know the difference.
7. He feels that under no circumstances I should have something to eat if he doesn't. It makes him feel utterly distraught and left out. This forces me to take great care when planning my treat consumption.
8. He somehow manages to be a super-overachiever while simultaneously maintaining a slacker attitude. Which gives me a false sense of security. Because I think I'm equally yoked to a slacker and don't have to do anything. Meanwhile he is secretly over-achieving the whole time. e.g. skipping class and never doing homework but somehow managing to land on the dean's list. Oh, and he landed, not one, but TWO super-sweet post-MBA job offers.
9. He becomes infuriated if I jump out and scare him. And once he recovers he will, without fail, deliver a lengthy lecture about how he should never be made to feel unsafe in his own home.
10. He gets really, adorably, pompous when Leah shows him any preferential treatment over me. And struts around like a rooster in a hen house whenever it happens. He doesn't know he does this.
11. He is a shamefully competitive game player. I have had many a deck of cards, or gamepiece pitched at my head in a rampage. He has called my mom "stupid" and accused her of cheating several times while playing cards with her. It is a side of him I will allow to be shown only to the closest of our friends, who have already proven their unconditional love.
12. He hates mashed potatoes and cottage cheese--which may have been a deal breaker, had I known before we got married. And he loves foreign cheeses.
13. He has never commented on another woman being attractive in front of me. Even on T.V. He acts as though he has never even thought about anyone else that way. In fact, even if I genuinely ask if he thinks someone is pretty, he will usually say, "I think you're pretty." Because of this, I have no idea what Sam's "type" is. So, even though his girlfriend before me was a petite blonde, I just have to assume I'm his type. Cause he married me and stuff. Oh, and because I have a girl-crush on Kim Kardashian and pester Sam about how beautiful I think she is, I have deduced that he doesn't find her revolting.
14. If I am craving or need something from the store, he will go out and get it right away no matter what time of night it is or how inconvenient, etc. This is something I thought was just "beginning of the relationship" chivalry, but it has not diminished in the slightest in our 6 years together.
15. He will watch chick flicks with me without complaining. And he'll also watch trashy reality shows with me, though he's generally shouting around and cursing at the people onscreen and chastising me for "watching this crap!" the whole time... still, he weathers the storm.
16. He is the most financially practical/savvy person I know, but never objects to spending money on anything I want. He always says something like, "if you want it, we'll work it out." And he means it. His attitude is a brilliant strategy because it makes me want to be super financially responsible to impress him.
17. He LOVES sports, but he never makes me feel like they take priority over me. In fact, he started watching a football game a bit ago, and just now he turned it off, looked at me and said, "I'm sorry I've been watching this game instead of hanging out with you. Did you want to do anything?" True story. Exact quote. I told him I was too busy surfing the net to hang out with him, though.
18. He is fiercely protective of his pillow and always accuses me of trying to steal it, even though I hate his stupid pillow... and all of its exceptional soft, fluffy goodness.
19. He becomes alarmingly enraged whenever he sees Beyonce dance--and has to stew about her being the ugliest or "most annoying dancer alive!!" for a full 15 minutes before he can get over it. Without fail. What's really weird is that I just found out her dancing has to exact same effect on my dad.
20. He is modest to a fault--like, to where I've actually heard him downplay his accomplishments to the point that he's no longer being honest. He has not one ounce of false pride.
21. He twirls the hair on the back of his head compulsively when he is concentrating. Count of Monte Cristo style.
22. Almost every time he comes home from the gym, the first thing he tells me is that there was some girl on the tredmill next to him, peeking at his stats and "trying to show him up."
23. He gets stressed out about breaking rules---like, he gets waaaay uncomfortable if I jaywalk or duck under a roped off area. It should be noted that his propensity for doing what he's "supposed to" does not apply to speeding or homework assignments.
24. When we lived in San Francisco and my best friend and her sister came to visit, Sam brought a book and drove us around everywhere we wanted all day long, and waited in the car reading until we were finished so we didnt have to deal with parking. This is not the only time he's done this sort of thing. And he'll do it if you come to visit, too... but he'll still feel a little put out that he has to wear clothes around you.
25. He is a sleep eater. See this post.
26. He is not physically affectionate by nature but has come a long way in overcoming being an "awkward hugger" since we've been together. Many people in his family are "awkward huggers." Sam's family, if you're reading this, I'm probably not talking about you... but I am probably talking about your husband.
27. He reads all of my blog posts, first for grammatical/spelling errors, and second for content. There is no "enjoying" until all of the mistakes have been corrected. This annoys me greatly. He'll do it to this post, too.
28. He is especially tender-hearted towards people he senses feel left out.
29. While we were dating, we never had a DTR (Define The Relationship) talk, but rather a WCIF (When Can I Fart?) talk. To Sam, that was our most important milestone. And he began doing it liberally directly following "the talk." I, on the other hand, don't know how...
30. He is a brilliant musician. In fact, the lyrics to even the catchiest songs elude him---but he always picks up on things I don't ever hear, and you can bet he can play every layer of the instrumental part by heart. And finally...
31. He is my very best friend in the whole, wide world. Which, it goes without saying, means he's pretty freaking cool.

See? Now I feel totally smitten with him.

Now send him presents. And cash.

Happy, happy birthday, baby!