So... I had a "you're in a new place with lots o' weirdos" experience the other night. Not that I'm not used to it... I've been living in San Francisco for the last 3+ years. And by San Francisco, I mean Weirdo Mecca. BUT, this was my first intro to the Chicago brand of weirdo. And it came in the form of the cable guy.
To start, Sam was off at a friends house watching BYU get spanked so I was all alone. Which makes having a strange man in your house especially invigorating. I knew I was in for a treat when I got a frantic call from an unknown number:
***I'm typing this in my very best eastern European accent, so read it like that***
Ahem...
Cable Guy (CG): Ummm... miss Vanessa? I can't find parking ANYWHERE! (stream of expletives) YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME! I'M GONNA WRECK MISS VANESSA! OH (expletive) I'M GOING THE WRONG WAY DOWN A ONE WAY STREET! (honking) YOU GOTTA FIND ME A PARKING SPOT!
Me (trembling in fear): Uhh, ok, let me go to a window and see if I can see a spot.
I lead him to a spot pretty much directly in front of our building.
CG: Oh man I am such an (expletive)! You are my SAVIOR Vanessa! I'm so stressed out. Today has been a very very bitter day.
At this point I was super excited to hang out with this guy, so I said a quick prayer that I'd know not to let him in if he was gonna kill me, and opened the door.
The first thing he proceeded to do was snoop around in the kitchen. I was surprised, but I thought for sure there was a cable related purpose to his snooping so I didn't intervene. When he emerged, he shouted in a whisper that he needed a soda and asked if I had any. I got him a drink and he stood there in the middle of my living room, head thrown back, guzzling like a drunk, gasping and smacking his lips in satisfaction after each swig.
He busied himself with the cable wires, etc. in a very dramatic, frustrated fashion, peppering his expletives and grunts with small talk about his life growing up in Serbia and his transition to the States. He asked me where I was from and I immediately regretted telling him I had just come from San Fran. This sent him off on a tirade about homosexuals. He shook his fist in the air and told me, "If you try to be gay in my country, my people will bloody you!!" Then he asked if I was gay...
Don't you worry, there's more. My very FAVE part....
Just before my Serbian Stallion was about to leave, he told me he wanted to run one more test on the cable outlet, which was located in one of the coat closets. I sat back, anxious for him to be done. He disappeared into the closet and reappeared suddenly in the doorway, arms clasped and stretched out in front of him in a Charlie's Angels pose, pointing his power drill at me like a gun. I gasped and wet my drawers.... he threw his head back IN LAUGHTER and gave the drill two revs to show me what it was. Even now, as I type this, my heart is pounding out of my chest remembering the feeling that washed over me when I thought this maniac had a gun.
Needless to say, I was a bit jumpy and a little irrational for the rest of the night. I checked on Leah like 10 times.... I called Sam and witched him out for not being more protective and allowing the cable to be installed when he wouldn't be home.... pretty standard post think-you're-gonna-get-shot-or-at-best-maimed behavior.
Now that it's over and I'm past the trauma of it all, I'm probably gonna get myself a power drill and pull that little prank on some of you. It was a pretty good joke.
THE END
10 comments:
I can't stop laughing! You are so talented at writing and expressing yourself. I am jealous of your fun run-in with the cable guy. You are one lucky chic! And to think it all stemmed from BYU being spanked. Unbelievable! Next time you FOR SURE have to come to the BYU game.
Why is it that so many people in service-related jobs are complete nutters? You'd think a sanity check would be a prerequisite for that job...
I bet that guy can't wait to tell everyone how he made some Lesbian from SF think he was really going to "bloody her." Ha, ha, ha, he will love that story for years! ;)
I am laughing myself silly here. The drill gun...priceless. Who does stuff like that? But my favorite is saying a prayer that you would no not to let the guy in if he was going to kill you. I have that exact same prayer in my mind every time a fix it man comes to my door when I'm home alone. sounds to me like you got a crazy. Or maybe a guys with a REALLY great sense of humor.
Vanessa--as soon as your cable guy pulls out a freaky green mask and starts committing supernatural crime, I want you to CALL me, understand?
Are you kidding me? Oh man, laughing... but super creeped out at the same time.
I hope you pummeled Sam or slapped him around a bit.
You're much much braver than I.
Yikes. This guy is a MANIAC. I'm rethinking the whole getting cable and allowing some strange, foreign man invade my home, drink my soda, and scare the crud out of me thing. Thanks for the heads up!
Oh, and yet again you made my day!
Thanks for the laugh!
Sooooo, I hope its not weird to be the only dude commenting on your post.
I had to say though, after reading this, I saw on your visitor map that you had someone read your blog from Europe, and I got really excited. I hoped that maybe he had sent your blog back to his Serbian friends so they could keep tabs on you. Unfortunately though, upon further review, it looks like Germany. Is it bad that I'm a little bummed out by that?
As a self-proclaimed Eastern European expert, I will verify that your story was not far off from how most of the Poles/Russians acted when I lived there. They love nothing more than telling complete strangers about everything that sucks about their lives, they have very odd senses of humor, and they are very prejudiced, making the KKK look like Martin Luther King. As you're probably finding out, Chicago has the largest Polish population outside of Poland, although they mostly live on the North side. So get used to a lot of Eastern European madness. I have no advice for dealing with them, even after 2.5 years of living there I still have no idea what's going through their communistic minds.
oooh yeah should have warned you about that guy, my bad
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