These past few months have been full of extremes. I have been finding myself high as a kite one day, and in a vegetative, puffy eyed coma the next, with each new development feeling like either a slap in the face, or a nice, firm tushy squeeze.
I was relating one of the lows to a friend of mine the other day and he said, and I quote, "Wow. I read your blog and think your life is so amazing, but then I talk to you and it turns out you have the world's worst life."
Hold on there, tiger.
In the grand scheme of things, I am pretty sure my life is better than that of at least 82% of the general population. The exception being people who are skinny without trying. And all of the Disney princesses. Who, come to think of it, are also definitely skinny without trying. Dirty wenches.
I'm also fairly certain that the things I write about on this blog don't sound that amazing. I mean, Sam misspelling my name on my Valentine's Day card is pretty amazing, I guess.
At any rate, his comment made me feel like I haven't been documenting the important things properly. It's so much easier to write about things that don't matter all that much. I personally find it exhausting to write about trials or difficult things I go through. It requires far too much introspection and gloom to put bad things into good words. I'd much rather hang out with a story that's funny or amusing.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, publicly gushing about the great things doesn't come easily to me, either. For some reason, I feel a little embarrassed and a lot braggy whenever I do. So instead, I sit here keeping a blog that's full of mediocrity and triviality.
I guess what I'm trying to gear you all up for is a rather lengthy record of some of the more significant, but less amusing things we've been going through as of late. I figure I can knock a lot of it out in this here post so I can git back ta writin' 'bout them funner things I like ta write about.
So here's my schizophrenic documentary of gloom and glee:
Dealing with my brother's death has been looming in the background of all of the craziness that has been 2010, and is still a major work in progress. This seems obvious enough, it's only been three months, but you'd be surprised how quickly people expect you to get over it and on with things. I was talking to a friend in my ward who just lost her newborn baby after 3 months of violent seizures and illness. She expressed that everyone has been commenting about how strong she's been, and how well she's handling things. And then she mentioned that she's obviously not going to walk around in public sobbing her eyes out all day long, and how she's actually not feeling strong or handling things well at all.
I wish I didn't relate to this, but I completely do. And it's not that I expect anything from anyone really, but when people ask me to do things or expect much from me, my first reaction is to still think, "But my brother just died!" like that's some sort of excuse they should have taken into consideration.
"Hey Vanessa, would you like to speak in church this Sunday?"
Yeah, remember my brother just died? Prolly not.
"Hey baby, do you feel like making tacos for dinner tonight?"
Need I remind you my brother just died!?
The worst part about it is that I'm realizing the lasting effects of his passing are more subconscious than anything. I have my breakdown moments where I think of him and bawl and go through all my pictures, hoping upon hope that I'll somehow magically find a new one I haven't already looked at a hundred times.... but more often than not, it manifests itself in my lack of motivation or interest in things that used to come so easily to me. Getting in the shower each day may as well be a marathon. And I certainly find it much easier and guilt free to take long naps in the middle of the day. My husband learned long ago that if the bed wasn't made when he got home, it was a day I wasn't to be screwed with. I can't remember the last time I made the bed.
On a different note, remember how I was feeling like I was in a constant skate-stomping-spazz-attack with all of this summer internship recruiting shiz Sam's been going through? Well, after the low point of that post, he pretty much made the recruiting world his b-word and the good news started flowing in like the salmon of Capistrano (name that movie). The culminating point came two weeks ago when he was offered an internship with his top choice firm.
I swear, sometimes I feel so overwhelmed and puffed up with pride in regards to my smarty-pants, uber-talented little lover that I have no choice but to get violent. I can say without hesitation that his internship offer brought with it more relief and gratitude than any bit of news in all my 24 years. In fact, I felt so humbled and unworthy of such good fortune that I actually told Sam that I felt our blessings were too rich and that something terrible had to be lurking around the corner. Turns out I'm so smart I can see into the future!
This last week I sadly began to have a miscarriage just days after finding out I was pregnant. People often trivialize miscarriages because they happen so frequently, but those who have suffered through them know the heaviness and turmoil they bring, both emotionally and physically. This one has been especially taxing on me because it is my fourth.
I don't talk about my miscarriages often because I can't handle the insensitive, jack-ass comments people make about them being commonplace. I don't care how common they are. I don't care how many people have had them. The bottom line is I have had FOUR. That's four perfect little Leahs I have imagined holding in my arms. Four perfect little dreams I have felt slip through my fingertips.
The plus side to these losses is the immense gratitude I feel for my stinky Turkey Sub. Leah gets the worst of it in the form of hugs and kisses that are a little too hard and tight and frequent. I often feel claustrophobic for her... but that doesn't stop me from pinning her down one last time and smashing her face with kisses until she shouts out and tries to take a swing at me. Sorry, Leah. Blame it on your little brothers and sisters who keep head-faking your mother.
And there you have it. My tushy squeezes and face slaps all wrapped up in a pretty little package. I always get a little stumped when I try to wrap up a post like this. Part of me just wants to say, "welp, see ya later!" without any concluding remarks at all. But I will say I'm pleased that Heavenly Father trusts and loves me enough to lob some pretty tough trials in my direction while simultaneously blessing me beyond description. And inside, I know that's exactly how this life is supposed to be.
Thanks for reading.
Oh, and here's a little clip Sam recorded on his phone when he told me he got his internship offer. If you listen closely, you'll hear me say, "I threw up this morning" at the very end. I had, indeed, been throwing up... my announcing it was simply my plea to not be judgy when I realized it was a clip that other people might be seeing. And now I'm sharing it with you. Enjoy!
15 comments:
Now I am here to tell you how much I loved this post :) Joanna and I talk about how much we LOVE your blog on a reg basis.
I am so glad you wrote this. I am constantly wanting to write about personal feelings or thoughts but I am usually way to self-conscious to do that. At one point I thought about forgetting the whole blog thing and just keeping my own personal journal. But it makes me feel braver when I read things like what you just wrote. My favorite blogs to read are the ones that are super honest/real about what the person is going through. It think its so inspirational.
I had a dream the other night and Jess was in it. It was awesome. I am thinking of you so much.
Love you!!
Oh and PS- Dumb and Dumber
So sorry to hear about your miscarriage(s). I have never had one but I never feel like it would be a trivial thing not worth crying about. I'm sorry if you have been feeling crapped on lately, hopefully things will look up in the future.
Love the honesty of the post. We seem to have a couple of trials in common just switched for now. I guess it is the way life is supposed to be, but it doesn't make it fun, that's for sure.
Life has so many ups and downs and I'm sorry you've had so many difficult downs since Dec. You are amazing though and if anyone can pull through these trials, you can. Luv ya!
I don't know you, and you don't know me but I L-O-V-E your blog. You make me laugh so hard on my sucky days. If I knew you I would give you the biggest huges ever!!! I'm so sorry to hear about your brother and your miscarriages. That must be soo hard to deal with. My husband is climbing the corp. ladder and I want to scream all the time. I feel like we (me &kids) come 2nd. ButI know he's working hard to take care of his family and I'm sure that is what your husband is doing too. He seems like he is perfect for you and totally understands all the craziness you have. (I'm glad I'm not the only one) Keep you chin up, Heavenly Father doesn't give u anything we can't handle.
Thanks again for you witty writing
:)
Oh, Vanessa. You just brought me to tears. Seriously, I feel the ups and downs of your life through your writing. I'm so sorry for your loss and so excited for your internship. Life is just so very, very, very, very unpredictable. Like you mentioned, it is comforting to know that no matter what happens good or bad we know that a loving Heavenly Father is there with us maybe even celebrating or crying too. : )
Thinking of you.
I love this post even though it makes me sad. I love it because it is so real, and if there's one thing I can't stand, it's blogs that seem too one-sided. Life is not one-sided -- it's happy and crappy all at the same time.
It's hard to write about the things that pain us the most, but I think that we gain strength from doing just that. I also believe it allows us to see how supported we really are by friends and family.
I'm really, really sorry to hear about your miscarriages. I think you have every right to grieve that loss, no matter how long you knew you were pregnant or how often you've been through it. What a rough several months for you.
Hugs to you from Georgia. Keep writing -- your blog is one of my very favorites.
Dear one, I thank heaven daily for you. You're wise beyond your 24+ years--sometimes I feel our roles are reversed . . . I love that I can feel you close through your blog. 143.
I know I can safely say that your blog (your writing) is anything but mediocre.
And I think any rational, healthy person can relate to feeling overwhelming gratitude for all we are blessed with while simultaneously wondering if HF thinks it funny to sucker-punch us.
Also, anyone who trivializes the grief associated with a miscarriage deserves to be tortured. I better just leave it at that vague descript.
I'll be anxious to hear more about Sam's internship and of course, to see more of Leah and to read your musings.
Hugs to you...
I wish I could say something really encouraging and inspiring. . .because your comment on my blog in my time of need was so amazing and wonderful and it made me feel so loved. So, all I can really say is that I love you. Your funny stories are great, but I appreciate it when you get "real". It's good for me to recognize that beautiful women have feelings, too! ;)
That video may be the cutest thing I have ever seen in my entire life. Knowing you had thrown up that morning makes it even better because you spruced yourself right up.
I loved this post Nessa. I yuv my yiddo sistow.
Oh Vanessa, I'm so sorry all this is happening at once. I'm sure it's hard for you to try to show your excitement for Sam when you're going through such difficult trials. I wish I knew what to do to help. I always get stumped for what to say and just want to hug you, but it's hard when we don't see each other enough.
You are one strong woman. And so good at writing your feelings. Thanks for sharing and helping us all to understand what you're going through a little better. Wish I could be there to help.
Even though I'm a big, smelly, oafish, insensitive man, I can still feel the emotion behind this post. What you wrote here was raw and real, and it comes across that way. Its hard to let people in to those kind of very personal emotions.
As I'm sure you've felt, these types of deeply personal situations are lonely, because realistically, nobody can help you with them. Regardless of how close you are to someone, sometimes kind words and empathy just won't change anything. They feel hollow to say, and I know they feel hollow to hear, because in reality, it just takes time to sort through these things.
That being said, there are a ton of people around here (ourselves most certainly included) who would do anything they could if they knew it would make you guys happier in the smallest way.
We're definitely here for you. I know that the ups and downs won't end for a while, but we want you with us (selfishly, I know) as much as you guys are up for on any given day. We want to do anything we can, trivial or enormous, to make life better in the areas we CAN affect. So please just keep that in mind.
Soooo, there you go. Big Gulps huh? Welp, see you later!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3g1KcOw7zas
PS: I'm really excited for you guys and the experiences you're going to have in Baltimore (a place where the beer flows like wine).
Posts like this make me sigh a deep sigh of sympathy, while also bringing a realization that everyone has their trials. I feel like blogs are a curse and a blessing. In one light, they're great for seeing pictures of friends and family and keeping in touch. And yet, they also have a way of making us feel like everyone else has a happier, more exciting, more crafty, more romantic life. In reality we just don't want to blog about the crap we go through because it hurts too much and is just too personal. Also, for me, I don't want to be the one writes "depressing" blogs. Really, if I wrote about my day to day life it would be quite depressing. I haven't been through even a quarter of what you have and I skip shower and real clothes a good amount of the time because I just don't "feel" like getting ready for my day. So I guess what I'm saying is...you're not alone! What helps to pull me out of my funks is some excercise (I know, yuck) and some sunlight (even if it comes from a tanning bed. hehe). I feel like you didn't write this blog so people would say "I'm so sorry!" I feel like you wrote it to show people that even though you have a fun, funny blog, you still have some big trials in your life and it's not perfect. I appreciate that. It's good to be reminded that us women are not alone! Ok, this is a totally long, ranting comment that is probably full of spelling errors and missing words. I'm just not a re-reader. haha.
Aww, Vanessa, doesn't life sometimes just suck, and we realize that's just the way its supposed to be. There are days I find myself counting down the hours until bedtime, and then I notice little moments of joy sprinkled throughout the day that make life worth living.
Congrats to Sam on the internship! With whom, and where?
The thing I like about you, Vanessa, is that you have a way of making sucky things okay somehow. Your honesty and humor and creativity help me put my own stuff into perspective. I'm so sorry that things have been rough lately (I can't even begin to imagine actually). I'm grateful that you're willing to share though and bring a little light into my life. You're writing is one of my all time favorites, and sometimes I wish we could spend actual face-to-face time together because I, like you, really hate skinny people who don't even have to try.
Post a Comment