Is Barry Manilow homosexual?
Is Barry Manilow married?
Is Barack Obama the antichrist?
Is bacterial pneumonia contagious?
Is baptism necessary for salvation?
I'm interested to know how the crap Barry Manilow ended up on this list twice? Really, people? Barry Manilow?!
I guess I have to acknowledge that our friend, Lincoln, could be partially responsible. He's a die hard Barry fan. We were recently chatting about going to Vegas together and the first thing that popped out of his mouth was, "We could catch a Barry Manilow concert!" My eyes immediately shifted to Sam who was already making the face I knew he would be. The face he only makes when someone suggests something truly preposterous:
Strangely, I get this face thrown in my direction more than any other... BUT, judging by this google search, Linc isn't alone in his jonesin' for a little Barry after all.
I did appreciate the Obama one. It's nice to know I'm in good company. Just kidding. But seriously.
Befuddling as this was, this amusing little list is not the primary purpose of this post. The real mind-blower that caught my attention came in the form of a little splash of self awareness called "my list of recent google searches," which conveniently appears below the most popular predictive searches list. It has never occurred to me to look at my recent searches... and mine was a shameful list indeed...
1. what is the male equivalent of mistress?
2. facts on farts
3. injuries at the stratosphere
4. ugly old couples
5. is all nudity edited out of "300" for TV?
6. Megan Fox's toe thumb
7. how much money do I have to make to afford a million dollar home?
8. easiest way to make yourself throwup
9. my husband isn't fun
10. top 10 hedge fund launches in 2009
11. calories in chocolate chip cookie
12. how is the HGTV dream home winner chosen?
I wish I could say that I share my laptop with a teenage boy. In fact, that was my first reaction as Sam looked over my shoulder, beholding this list--to look around all shifty eyed for someone to point the finger at. But alas, this list is mine, and mine alone. Aside from that "top 10 hedge fund" one... which was clearly an impostor named Sam.
As if this post wasn't self-indulgent enough, I feel the need to explain:
1. what is the male equivalent of mistress?
I have one. And wanted to know what to call him... turns out this is a topic of much debate and confusion. The general consensus is "a kept man." That'll do.
2. facts on farts
This search came as a result of an argument between Sam and I about what, indeed, causes his varying degrees of stink. Sorry, Sam. You couldn't have expected me to take the blame for this one. I'm dainty and petite. And have never farted.
3. injuries at the stratosphere
Important due diligence for upcoming Vegas trip
4. ugly old couples
are funny to look at
5. is all nudity edited out of "300" for TV?
We were contemplating watching this on TV and I was doing a "boobie" screen, of course.
6. Megan Fox's toe thumb
My hilarious cousin, Jill, recently wrote about this on her blog and I had to investigate. Google image this one. You'll be terrified and exhilarated all at once.
7. how much money do I have to make to afford a million dollar home?
Getting greedy on a student budget
8. easiest way to make yourself throwup
Don't be alarmed. This was simply necessary information I considered after single-handedly topping off a box if cherry cordials and feeling sick to my stomach--however, when I beheld the crazed bulimia society offering up their abusive and disturbing suggestions, I was turned off by the whole idea in general.
9. my husband isn't fun
After Sam didn't fill my attention quota for the night, I wanted to arm myself with some zingers to use during the fight I planned to pick with him.
10. top 10 hedge fund launches in 2009
Impostor
11. how many calories in chocolate chip cookie
See #8. Turns out I'm a comfort eater. Don't you judge me.
12. how is the HGTV dream home winner chosen?
So WHAT if I feel like it's my lucky year?!?! (Secretly I do)
And there you have it. Don't you feel much better now that I've put your minds at ease and explained myself? I know you do, and you're welcome.
Thank you, Google, for always trying to read my mind. And for storing my guilty pleasures in your search list to remind me of how ridiculous I am. And for asking me just now if I meant "ass burgers" when I tried to google and learn more about Aspergers Syndrome. You're the best.
I'll end with a few unrelated pictures for your viewing pleasure:
I'm obsessed with this wink attempt
17 comments:
I have to admit that your site searches peaked my curiosity. I had to check to see if Barry is a homosexual. That might just crush the Bischoff's world.
Thanks for making me laugh!
Ok, so the word nudity happens to appear right underneath the phrase "ugly old couples". and when I first read it, I read "ugly old nude couples," and was immediately both disturbed and kindof impressed that you would disclose that about yourself.
And I was delighted to hear about Megan Fox's toe thumb. She is so freaking disgusting, and a total turn off.
Oh, and break me off a piece of that ass burger. mmm. (Not Megan Fox's though, because she is so ugly now that I know about her thumb. I meant yours.)
HAHAHHAHAHA UGLY OLD NUDE COUPLES!!?
PIcture if someone really googled that hahaha
I'm googling it right now...
Ironically enough, I've done that before... we have a friend who dared us to enter
"Why won't" and see what it pulls up.
Someone at google analytics is getting paid WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too much, or not enough at all, apparently.
Also, your commenters (namely Meradith) made me laugh out loud. And cringe. Laughing and cringing. Linging?
Nessa-
Is it weird that I am jealous of Leah because you are her Mom? Lucky gee!!
Vanessa-
I heartily chuckled all the way through your list of google history. I would leave you mine but I'm sure your mother would read it and I would then be compelled to spend the next 5 1/2 weeks explaining myself to her, and I haven't got the energy after nearly 34 years of marriage. But I'm so delighted you come by your sense of humor honestly and your sense of honor humorously. You are just like your DAD!! And I can say that with a perfectly straight face and clear conscience. Oh, BYW (and this will really make you proud)--I have never farted either!!
Oh, google searches. I never thought this topic would be so interesting and humorous. Thanks for making me laugh.
Your dad's comment on thisbposy made my day. Really though, leah and Sam... Pretty lucky.
I'm pretty sure Barry was the 2nd or 3rd thing that came out of my mouth....wasn't it? Right after warm weather and golf? That said, I have his greatest hits album if you want to borrow it.
So, are you actually going to go see Manilow in Vegas??? If you do, I expect a full report on its glorific awesomeness from you when you get back - with pictures of Sam's face during the performance.
Are you coming to Utah anytime soon? I was sad we didnt get a chance to meet up when you guys were our here last summer.
Laughing...laughing really hard. And DAD, don't make us drudge up some stories from our childhood to completely nagate that last comment of yours...Puh-LEEEESE. And, of course I will go look up Megan Fox's ugliness and send it immediately to Walid. Thanks, ladies!
Oh yeah, and most importantly....LEAH....please give her to me...NOW.
As if you weren't told this every single day of your life, you are HILARIOUS! I get way too excited when I see that you've written a new post. I laughed out loud at this one. More than twice. Between you and my dear husband, I think we could come up with the most random, interesting, mildly offensive list of Google searches ever.
I'm a little bit jealous of this Vanessa-Carina time I seemed to miss out on. Who said you could have fun together without me?! NO FUN while I'm out of town! Is that too much to ask?! I don't know what I'm going to do when I hear about your affairs in Baltimore this summer. I guess I'll just have to make you two jealous with Amber in Midland. Yep, it's on.
Also, you have GOT to get Leah to wink for me next time I see her! That little girl is too cute!
I loved the wink too!
I laughed when I checked your blog and saw Barry staring back at me! Good ol Barry - I love some of his songs, though Joe can't stand him (or most music, come to think of it...). You are way braver than I am - I don't think I have the guts to disclose my searches! I can't wait for you guys to visit - Leah probably gets way too many squeezes already, but I can't wait to squash her. :)
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