Christmas 2011 Thus Far...

I know you've all been waiting with baited breath for a little "what we've been up to" post. Don't deny it. I know it's pretty much all you've been able to think about this holiday season. And I'm here to deliver!

We'll start with our most exciting news.

Guess who I saw shopping at the mall the other day?

You can't tell?

It may or may not be Melissa Gorga and her daughter being run down by a super creepy stalker... like me. Don't know who Melissa Gorga is? Well aren't you just toooo classy for Bravo TV! You think you're better than me?!

No, really, congratulations. You might be a little bit better...

Sadly, this is the only picture I got, because after I sniffed her out at Guess and started to ask her for a picture, my darling three year old bolted. And because I'm totally selfless and a super good mom, I ran after her. The things I do...

Turns out Leah's bolting was due to a little celebrity sighting of her own. Ladies and gents, the Christmas Ice Princess:

I'd say there's a pretty good chance this particular princess moonlights as a professional wrestler.

Think the Turkey Sub was phased by her deep voice and casino-esque aroma? Not a chance.

Jersey-style princesses, we love you.

We also love Macy's. Because on Friday we ventured into Manhattan to Macy's "Santa Land" to meet the man himself. And because I was so enraptured by the general splendor, I only took three photos...

Eve was completely hypnotized by Santa.

She appreciates luscious facial hair. Makes her feel all cozy and taken care of. What can I say? It's in her blood.

Leah, on the other hand, was a little put off by that crook-eye. But not so much so that she didn't go ahead and ask for a swimming pool.

There's no photo evidence of Leah's Santa visit because, well, I was sitting with her... and somehow my gut magically spilled over the top of my jeans and emerged out from under my shirt. It was a real Christmas miracle.

After Santa gave us the boot, Sam left work and met up with us at the Miracle on 34th Street Puppet Show. I dare say it's the cutest little Christmas tradition there ever was. There were no photos allowed during the show, but here's the Turkey Sub and Tiny Tuna waiting for it to start.

And finally, Saturday night we had our ward Christmas party. Sam and I both have a weird phobia about asking people to take pictures of us. There's no excuse for it. And we're getting help. But I just wanted you all to appreciate what a real victory this photo is.

Meet CrazyEyesMcBigface...

The primary, of course, reenacted the Nativity. Leah and her friends made their acting debuts as sheep. The special effects were seriously mind blowing.

The best part was that during the songs, Leah baaah-ed along in tune, pretty much louder than the ensemble as a whole.

The entire cast.

It was a glorious night, indeed.

Thanks for reading.

JCC

Last year on this day, I was in a major postpartum haze. It was actually my first day at home after Eve's birth. My mom was in town, worrying sick about my dad, who was all by himself in Idaho. And we all sort of just moved around our apartment as if under water, trying to process our feelings in different ways.

Today, a lot of things in my life are different. Almost everything, in fact. Except I still sort of have that underwater feeling. Two years ago today, my brother passed away.

I woke up last night remembering this photo of Jesse and me. I'd completely forgotten about it, but in the middle of the night it was etched in my brain. I've gone through all of my pictures, time and time again, cataloging and organizing any with Jesse in them. But not this picture. I hadn't seen this picture in years. How could I have forgotten about it? How could I have missed it? I felt immediately panicked that I'd lost it. I got out of bed and pulled my photo boxes out of my closet, and miraculously, there it was... a gift, a treasure reserved specifically for this day.

This was taken in Phoenix over Christmas my freshmen year in college. I remember something obnoxious going on... most likely a love-handle pinching. This is the Jesse we all get a gut-check remembering. The one that we ache for our babies to know.

Death is such an individual ordeal. Everyone handles it so differently. I've experienced the bittersweet passing of three of my grandparents and I can certainly say, those deaths felt nothing like Jesse's. Jesse's death left a wake of extreme and strange feelings. Feelings I'd never dealt with before. They're still there, I think I'm just more used to them now.

I have always been able to envision my wearied grandparents, freed from their fallen bodies, racing towards the Savior in a glorious reunion, relieved to be finished with their sojourn on this earth. I knew they had lived good lives. I knew the Savior could look at them and say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant. Well done." How happy they all must have been.

I've envisioned this same reunion for my brother hundreds of times. In my darkest moments since his death, I've clung desperately to it. At times it has made me sad--like, I wish I could have been there with him to explain it all. As if Jesse's estrangement from the Savior in this life could have possibly caused unease between the two of them, and that he would have needed me or my family there with him to make it all more comfortable.

But then Heavenly Father reminds me to get real. To get over myself. To shake off the immature and limited scope of my mortal mind and remember, with surety, that no time spent during Jesse's life here on earth has ever brought him more comfort or relief than that of his blessed reunion with the Savior.

In these two years, that is what I have come to know most. Jesse is happy. More happy than he has ever been. More happy than I have ever been. He is not lonely. He is not unsure. He is the very best of the Jesse I knew and more than I can begin to imagine.

And when I see him again, he'll most certainly try to pinch my love handles.